


In my heart, never coming out, is the bitter smell of lemons

by vikinglord



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Baekchen - Freeform, Baekhyun centric, M/M, Social Anxiety, also some mentions of alcohol, baekchen being the soft boys they are, basically this is all the fic is about
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:48:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22345873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vikinglord/pseuds/vikinglord
Summary: In this loud, unbearable world it was Jongdae's presence that helped make things bearable again.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongdae | Chen
Comments: 8
Kudos: 49





	In my heart, never coming out, is the bitter smell of lemons

**Author's Note:**

> this is basically me living all my anxieties through baekhyun. also this is me saying that we all need a kim jongdae in our lives,,
> 
> Title from Kenshi Yonezu - Lemon

It was suffocating. The crowd that pushed him into itself as if it would swallow him whole any second now. Bodies of mass sticking to him as he was thrown around from person to person. There was no sense of personal space. Men in bright clothing, women in too loud makeup all intermingled into one until there was no telling them apart.

Baekhyun could feel his heart sinking. His breath came in short pants chasing after the little oxygen he could find. His palms had become clammy and he could feel a drop of sweat racing down the back of his neck. It was freezing cold outside but it was impossible to tell here inside the club, where New Year's eve celebrations were in full swing. Energetic young people danced to the loud bass of the songs being played. Some of them looking much too young to be allowed in here in the first place.

Baekhyun lifted a hand to rub at the base of his neck where sweat had collected just as a blonde girl pushed past him knocking at his elbow. She didn't even stop to say anything leaving him to nurse his arm on his own. 

He was in a relatively safer place now after having crossed the main dance floor area. The bar was right in his line of sight which was where he was headed. However, this time the stagger in his step wasn't because of the push of crowd but something else entirely. He threw a glance around. There were people everywhere. Too many people with too many eyes.

Baekhyun unconsciously shrank into himself. It was an old habit of his to hunch while walking as if to hide himself from the world. At twenty seven years of age the habit had become somewhat of a fixture in his personality. With his shoulders drawn in he tried to not look at the pair of girls who seemed to be looking at him as they laughed behind their hands. 

_They're not talking about you._

_They're not talking about you._

He had to keep reminding himself of this every so often. But it was so hard to remember. It was so hard to wrap his head around the idea that everywhere he went people weren't looking at him, judging him, ready to pick and prod at any and every flaw they could find in him. Especially when there was this unconscious part of his brain that always kept telling him otherwise.

He braced himself, looking straight, eyes averted from any human nearby as he made his way to the bar. Taking a seat as soon he finally got there.

"One shot." His voice came out dry and husky as he gestured to the bottle of tequila that the bartender was holding before taking out the money and sliding it over to the bar.

Sitting down helped calm his nerves by a lot. Still, there was this feeling creeping onto him that he couldn't seem to shake off. He took the shot glass the bartender slid over, contemplating a little before drowning it. He winced a little as the alcohol burned his throat a little. He wasn't a frequent drinker and every time he did drink it felt like the first time to him. The same gross taste. The same nauseating feeling. The same light headedness once he'd had too much. 

But at least that helped numb the anxious feeling sometimes. Right now, however, he was sober and vigilant as ever after his third shot. Drumming his fingers on his knee as scanned the perimeter of the club, eyes ever-searching. Somehow the alcohol had made his heart pick up speed again. It was dangerously getting close to jumping right of his chest.

He could feel his breath falling short again. The room spun around him as he tried to get up from where he sat. It took him holding onto the counter with both hands for him to stand up straight. _Where the toilet? The toilet._ He racked his brain to remember, too nervous to ask someone around him as found himself walking to where the crowd was the thickest.

The suffocating feeling came clawing back as he faltered in his step. Again, he became all too aware of the eyes looking at him and the mouths whispering about him. It made his skin itch and his eyes water and---

"Baek." 

The voice from behind him startled him at first before he relaxed his shoulders. The warmth and softness could only come from one person. Baekhyun turned to find his friend beaming at him with that contagious feline smile of his.

Jongdae immediately sensed what he was feeling as soon as he saw his face, his smile turning into a look of concern. Baekhyun hated seeing that look, wanting to hide his face as he tried to slouch only to be stopped by his friend who came up to wrap his arms around him.

Baekhyun always felt guilty for wanting to seek comfort from the other like that. But it always felt so good whenever he did. Like right then, standing in the middle of an obnoxiously loud club, surrounded by Jongdae's warmth. He could melt into it as he scooted up further to rest his cheek against the other's shoulder.

This was what true peace felt like. All the noise blurred out into the background as the light thrumming of Jongdae's heartbeat was the only sound that Baekhyun could hear. He could feel Jongdae taking his hands and grazing his fingers on each of his palms. One by one.

He couldn't tell how long they stood there wrapped in their own worlds. It was when Jongdae spoke that he was brought back to reality.

"Want to get out of here?" He whispered, so close to Baekhyun's ear that he could feel the puff of breath he let out with each word.

Baekhyun knew that Jongdae had wanted to be here. To celebrate the last night of this God forsaken year. He knew it would be selfish to not let him have that just because of how he was feeling. But this was Jongdae. He could have Baekhyun open up to him like no one else could. And so he found himself nodding against his shoulder.

The 'yes' came out soft and barely audible. The very next second he was being pulled away from the crowd, away from the noise and towards where Jongdae was headed. Baekhyun let himself be pulled by his arm because wherever Jongdae was going Baekhyun was bound to follow. Because in this loud, unbearable world it was Jongdae's presence that helped make things bearable again.

x


End file.
